Today is a pretty reflexive morning. School is back in a matter of days. As much as I'm gonna miss my dog, I feel it's about time to blow this popsicle stand, again. This place is just boring and has been cramping my style. I wanna get to fucking work now. With a new outlook, there are new goals I want to pursue in the real world. I'll likely only get out for the purpose of printing something out and going to classes, but one should not sell themselves short so soon. Indeed, I already find it hard to try with people because of my somewhat low self-esteem as of late, and my introverted nature.
Maybe I'm not so bad, but I can't afford to give myself excuses. Lately I have been really aiming for a paradigm shift, trying to create a new social person. By changing the thoughts, I can change who I am. I don't wanna be anybody else though, I just wanna be a better me. This has been pursued by means of different conscious strategies: firstly, to minimize negative/stupid influences, secondly, to maximize positive/intellectual influences. Then comes the enforcement of my needs and boundaries. I learned the art of refrain in high school before throwing it away out of boredom, preferring the unknown and adventurous spirit of fucking people over. But slowly I am relearning refrain, and integrating it with a conscious and active mindset. No major internet battles for nearly a year? Wholesome jokes and trickery, which don't impede real relationships based on respect? This strategy has worked very well so far.
These past few weeks I've been playing that darn old clarinet again. Much pleasing to me, much of my near-decade of experience remains intact. I'm gonna try and cover a song or two. Maybe Lilycove or Ecruteak City from Pokemon, maybe some surf themes, maybe a waltz. Despite some attempts to have already done this, I usually become musically inclined when I'm most awake, like any normal person. And my sleep/wake cycle has fallen into a polyphasic nightmare, as is customary. My Grand Summer Project 2017 also has fallen out of favor because of soul-crushing creative block. People who know me may have heard of the project and know of it as the weeb nightmare with living pillows trying to wrestle control from the fleshly beings. I know I'm weird, but weird sells. So, I know this is a race against the clock and against apathy. Getting bored and procrastinating or otherwise getting knocked off your block is not a fun experience at all.
With the traumatic passing of Rust, I didn't feel it'd get any better. Even on the worst night, it's pretty clear I'm empowered by new friends, experiences. Life isn't some sort of equivalent-exchange. Well, technically it is. But when it comes to happiness and contentment, life doesn't take and give in equal amounts, approaching a perfect equilibrium. I asked myself for days after he died, in my malaise of mind. Life has taken my best friend, so will it give me another? Life answered with a clear 'I don't give a damn'. Life doesn't seem to act in any morally-sensitive fashion, either. We creatures are the moral ones. So when you're at rock bottom you must roll the dice. What have you got to lose? You have to go out there, make new friends and experiences for yourself. Beautifully, 'make a friend' is a viable ambition on CK2. Haven't found no friends there either, but I assure you I'm scowering the pixels for a place for little old me.
One particular experience I'm really looking forward to is the opportunity to head a student group. We're looking forward to a meeting once everybody's around. Hopefully there, our volunteer group can actually get to know one another better than email chains would permit. Being that I transferred with nothing in terms of social relationships (in my city) and still have few after six months, I must continue to change in the right direction. My mind must be exposed to the world some way. The hope is that our group will talk philosophy. Not just how to oppose President Trump or to oppose those things which may currently ail us, but to spread the ideas dear to me, the New World. And it is the hope that these ideas will change lives, and instill some spirituality, and positively impact the common people. (Sounds like I'm in for a shock, but this blog is about how I honestly feel)
As much as I need positivity for my sanity, I also need to do my part in fighting negativity. Just sitting in graceful and happy ignorance isn't for me, I done tried that. The real love is in lifting up others. As I rack up all this debt and buy entry the club of success, my soul deigns to swear upon the very altar of God that my skills, my strength and my intelligence be used to help the things which gave me the chance to be successful. President Trump, glory be to thy name. You glorious God of a man, you have made me who I am today. And liberals, don't worry about the golf trips, I owed him my life's share of taxes.
I'm also going pretty wholeheartedly towards this vegan thing. My hope is that my focus will be maintained, and that I won't lose any ground to the evil and barbaric influences which I am grappling with. Because I hate being a meat eater. I wish death upon the heinous mental schema which results in dead animals and a dying planet. My being is overflowing with guilt for the evils long committed. These evils should be lashed out, 1337 lashes with a wet noodle for every metric ton of ectoplasm my habits have released into our atmosphere. Naturally that's just a joke, I really don't bang anybody up for being a flesh eater. Even though the things I have learned are undeniable. Reason has called, so my morality demands an answer.
I'm never seeing the seat of the Avars after all. At least until I've worked 9-5 for a bit. But hopefully, as my mother and I have talked about, we can go to Cuba. I wanna see where Hemmingway blew his brains out. Pardon my jokes, but enjoy them. And thank you for reading, my dear readership. I love the people who read my blog.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjKDcntNexw
John Lockers
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